The church does a horrible job of talking about sex. Pretty much, we just avoid talking about it or we tell teenagers to "wait for marriage."I've heard people say their defense of this is "because it's in the Bible." That annoys me. Maybe I missed it?
Just read a great blog post by Jaime the Very Worst Missionary where she writes:
I recall a lesson on "Do not stir or awaken love until it pleases." It's from Song of Solomon, that sketchy book about breasts and climbing them. And what that doesn't say is "wait to have sex until you are married." What it does say is, "Don't manipulate and force love. Wait for the right time."
Honestly, I'm not fussed if people have sex before they are married. I'm fussed if people abuse the holy act that is sex. I hate the idea that I could go out to a club and get picked up by a guy I've not previously met and go back to his place and have sex with him and then never see him again.
WHAT THE HELL IS THAT??
My mother is a CSAT (Certified Sex Addiction Therapist) among her many gifts. And when she is talking to people who have had sex with a prostitute or with a random person they aren't in a relationship with, they have to say they "bumped genitals." Because using the word "sex" to describe what they did degrades "sex." (I apologize to CSATs if I'm not 100% accurate in my explanation, but you get the idea, right?)
And as an aside (that isn't really an aside), I'm very sure that is what the bible is talking about when it says a male shall not lay with another male. It isn't condemning homosexual sex. It's condemning bumping genitals. Just like those men who wanted to have sex with the angels. Not about the male on male sex act, it's about rape.
I know gay men who have been together thirty five years. I know teenagers who have been together three days. Both are having sex. Which do you think is bumping genitals and which is honoring the holiness that is sex or "making love?" Precisely. And if those men could have married 35 years ago, they'd be honoring the covenant of marriage better than the 50% of heterosexual marriages that end in divorce. Let's look at what it really means to "protect the sanctity of marriage" when we use that as an argument against marriage equality...
That includes sex before marriage. Don't put a blanket statement on all couples who have sex or live together before marriage. Many of the couples I've married have had sex before walking down the aisle and I would never say that they have not honored marriage. In fact, waiting to GET MARRIED shows a deep respect for the covenant of marriage, not a disrespect. They don't want to enter into that holy covenant on a horny whim. I'm just not sure how getting married so a couple can have sex honors sex or marriage? Marriage is not the end of inappropriate sexual behavior. (I'd wager that since 2/3 of rapists are known to the victim, rape inside a marriage is just as common as the stereotypical back alley rape.)
That is all gross generalization of course. I know a couple who had their first kiss on their wedding day and I deeply respect them. I know many couples who waited to have sex until they were married and obviously did not marry just to have sex (that sounds silly, right?). There are many ways of respecting both sex and marriage. I just want to expand the idea of how that respect can be shown.
This theology is a work in progress. Obviously, sex is not widely discussed in the church. But if you are bold enough to comment, what are your thoughts? Next up in this blog topic: purity vs virginity.
Just read a great blog post by Jaime the Very Worst Missionary where she writes:
"To top it off, we've done a really bad job of teaching about sex in the Church. Our approach has been to shame girls for having it, and shame boys for wanting it. And when the smart kids ask, "Why wait?", we shrug our shoulders like a hillbilly and say, "Because the Bible says." Then we give the girls a purity ring and we give the boys nothing and we cross our fingers and hope they'll cross their legs. So dumb."When I was in high school, I attended a class called "Good Sex" at a friends church. It was taught by the Youth Pastor and his pregnant wife. They began the class by saying, "So, we've had sex. Obviously." It was great! Well, some of the theology was superb. Some of it was stretched.
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| You've all seen this literal drawing, right? |
Honestly, I'm not fussed if people have sex before they are married. I'm fussed if people abuse the holy act that is sex. I hate the idea that I could go out to a club and get picked up by a guy I've not previously met and go back to his place and have sex with him and then never see him again.
WHAT THE HELL IS THAT??
My mother is a CSAT (Certified Sex Addiction Therapist) among her many gifts. And when she is talking to people who have had sex with a prostitute or with a random person they aren't in a relationship with, they have to say they "bumped genitals." Because using the word "sex" to describe what they did degrades "sex." (I apologize to CSATs if I'm not 100% accurate in my explanation, but you get the idea, right?)
And as an aside (that isn't really an aside), I'm very sure that is what the bible is talking about when it says a male shall not lay with another male. It isn't condemning homosexual sex. It's condemning bumping genitals. Just like those men who wanted to have sex with the angels. Not about the male on male sex act, it's about rape.
I know gay men who have been together thirty five years. I know teenagers who have been together three days. Both are having sex. Which do you think is bumping genitals and which is honoring the holiness that is sex or "making love?" Precisely. And if those men could have married 35 years ago, they'd be honoring the covenant of marriage better than the 50% of heterosexual marriages that end in divorce. Let's look at what it really means to "protect the sanctity of marriage" when we use that as an argument against marriage equality...
That includes sex before marriage. Don't put a blanket statement on all couples who have sex or live together before marriage. Many of the couples I've married have had sex before walking down the aisle and I would never say that they have not honored marriage. In fact, waiting to GET MARRIED shows a deep respect for the covenant of marriage, not a disrespect. They don't want to enter into that holy covenant on a horny whim. I'm just not sure how getting married so a couple can have sex honors sex or marriage? Marriage is not the end of inappropriate sexual behavior. (I'd wager that since 2/3 of rapists are known to the victim, rape inside a marriage is just as common as the stereotypical back alley rape.)
That is all gross generalization of course. I know a couple who had their first kiss on their wedding day and I deeply respect them. I know many couples who waited to have sex until they were married and obviously did not marry just to have sex (that sounds silly, right?). There are many ways of respecting both sex and marriage. I just want to expand the idea of how that respect can be shown.
This theology is a work in progress. Obviously, sex is not widely discussed in the church. But if you are bold enough to comment, what are your thoughts? Next up in this blog topic: purity vs virginity.
I agree - sex is a holy act, and I think the issue of "when" is actually more about abusing that holiness than the timing of it. In all the time I spend with teenagers in my work, I try and remind them of this holiness (and safety too! - that it's the most intimate of acts - and do my best to avoid the purity rings and condemnation.
ReplyDeleteI think when we ignore the topic as a church, we fail as the church. I think we particularly fail young people who are figuring out their beliefs, identities, and the impact of relationships when we don't talk about it. Church should be a place where, in the midst of trusted community, we can talk about anything.
I think above all, we have to be open and honest, especially with teens! I love the differentiation of sex and bumping genitals! Sex, like drugs and alcohol, can't be this big scary thing, or it'll scare some and interest others. We have to break down the issues and be honest with our youth!
ReplyDeleteFor a long time I assumed “because it’s in the Bible” meant it was in the bible. Later in life I asked
ReplyDelete“Where?”, and the most common answer starts with a name of a book followed by an opinion. I say “opinion” because on this subject the answer to “where? “Is often served with an emotion called anger.
Sad but “because it’s in the Bible” is often followed by “clobber passages”.
So let’s talk about it. I point my teenage daughter to Gods word but with the tools He gave her. Step 1 – Google “clobber passages” Step 2- Read as many interpretations as you can stomach. Step 3 - Pray to Jesus about what you just read and ask for the gift of discernment. When in doubt lean towards the loving answers.