Speaking and Hearing and Miscommunication

I've been thinking a lot lately about the way we communicate. If we are on the writing/speaking end of things, to what extent are we responsible for the way things are heard or perceived? As a pastor, I have a high responsibility for the way people hear what I say. I do not want to cavalierly throw things out there and then complain when they are not understood in the way I meant them. Which is why I got off Facebook. My posts that were meant as food for thought were coming across in an entirely different way than I meant them. I am responsible for this, but the Facebook platform certainly does not help. Yes, we are welcome to scroll past things we do not agree with or comment with an opposing view, but I've never seen a conversation or shared meme that lead to a change of heart. If anything, both "sides" dig their heels in deeper and we come away more divided than when we began.

Communication is a two way street. We have all had things we've said misunderstood or misinterpreted. And we've all been yelled at only to be told by the person yelling that they were not yelling. *insert eye roll here* When a miscommunication happens, we like to place blame on the other person, no matter what seat we are in - speaker or hearer.

That's when the argument begins: "Well I didn't MEAN what I said. You heard me wrong! It's not my fault you didn't understand." Then those on the listening or receiving end can argue back, "You said it! How else could I have understood it?! You can't tell me how to listen." Both arguments are crappy and valid. The speaker is not always responsible for how something is heard. But, the speaker is also responsible for the way their message was delivered. (Imagine me saying "I love you" in a low grumble to my husband or with a smile and a kiss. Can I really blame him for not believing I love him with the first delivery?*) We as listeners are allowed to hear whatever we hear - all feeling are valid, but we cannot always place blame on the speaker for how we heard them.

For instance, if I say "It is so good to see you again. It's been so long." You can respond in a myriad of ways. Option 1) Ideally, you give me a huge hug and say "I know! I've missed you." Then we have a nice visit. The way I said it was received in the way I meant it. Hooray.

Option 2) If you are feeling like a bad friend and that it is all your fault that we've not seen each other in months, you'll be more likely to hear a whole lot of blame in my simple statement. (Especially if we aren't long time friends, because my long time friends know I go a while without making contact, despite missing them!) If you are having a bad day, your kid threw up on you earlier, and you've not slept well the night before, you might shoot back "How dare you say that. Do you know what stress I've been under lately? I barely have time for myself much less you!"

What I've learned to do in response to the second option?? Reflect that it is not about me. I cannot control how this person heard what was a well intentioned statement of missing them. Respond with compassion. Don't go into defensive stance. "That's not what I meant!!!!" is not very helpful here.

Option 3) Or even better if you are in the mindset of the second option. You say, "Yeah, you too." We hug. Then you respond, "Does that mean I'm a bad friend? Is that what you were saying?" To which I can them profusely apologize for the way it came across and assure you that you are not a bad friend. When a statement that is confusing is clarified, we all walk away feeling better.

Any of you with a spouse or a bestie know that sometimes it is simply the way you phrase something that is a trigger for the other person. Out of love, you avoid using that phrase. You find a new way to ask the same question. But I find that clarifying something is always a good route. One of my good friends has often come to me hours or days later and said, "Are we good?" I say yes and ask why. Often it was the way I said something when I was sleep deprived or stressed that was unintended. But we cleared the air. That is highly preferable to me never knowing I slighted her and her stewing about how rude I was to her that day. That make sense?

What do you think? Is the speaker or the hearer responsible for how something is heard? What does that imply for preaching, Christian community, and especially today, our political leaders? As our radars are heightened and listening for rhetoric we disagree with, let us all take a step back to reflect on what is going on inside us and then ask our leaders to change their rhetoric in order that we can hear what they really intend to say. Each of us are responsible for our own rhetoric and for letting others know when we hear something that rubs us the wrong way.

Above all, grace. Let us have grace with one another and grace for ourselves. Let us lean into conflict and tension and work to build relationships that are strong enough to say, "What did you mean there? I heard it like this."


*We could have a whole post above love languages, too. If I take out the trash, that means I love you. But maybe the only way I know you love me is if you hold my hand. Communication is tricky!