I heard about this story from my amazing Spiritual Director a few months ago and then looked for the story again tonight as it was ringing true for me (this quote from here):
As I sat in that same Spiritual Director's office last week, sinking farther and farther into her couch, I told her how exhausted I was and how I didn't want to go to work lately and just felt blah. She looked across at me, almost lost to the folds of her couch and told me that these were early signs of burn out. She recommended vacation. ASAP. I of course said there was too much to do. I'm too far behind.
"Stephen Covey tells a story of a man who’s working laboriously to saw down a tree. The work is difficult, and although he stays at his task diligently sawing away, very little progress is made. The saw blade is dull, too dull to make much of a dent in the tree trunk. When asked why he doesn’t sharpen the saw and therefore make the work easier and faster, the man says he can’t afford to stop. The tree must be cut down, and there’s no time to stop and sharpen the saw!"
As I sat in that same Spiritual Director's office last week, sinking farther and farther into her couch, I told her how exhausted I was and how I didn't want to go to work lately and just felt blah. She looked across at me, almost lost to the folds of her couch and told me that these were early signs of burn out. She recommended vacation. ASAP. I of course said there was too much to do. I'm too far behind.
But then I started sitting up. Maybe I could take off Friday.. and actually I could reschedule the thing on Thursday… yes!! I took off Thursday and Friday, knowing that Saturday I would head to Horizons for a wedding on Sunday then a staff retreat there Monday and Tuesday. I needed the recharge.
It should not be all that surprising when I tell you that last Monday also marked the beginning of a cold bug complete with stuffy nose and body aches. My mom has observed this pattern in me many times over the course of my life. I push and push and push and then crash with some kind of illness. It's a cycle. (My cousin Tara posits that this same cycle might be the cause of my stomach issues on a larger scale. i.e. I've graduated, I've got a job, I've been ordained….). I'm not sure what the equivalent of getting sick in the story above is. Likely the tree falling on top of me when I've spent forever sawing it down with a dull blade, eh?
I work really hard to do self care. And then sometimes, my bishop gets sentenced for vehicular homicide, people I love are going through shit, I am gearing up for a sermon or something big at work, I feel discouraged about my health, and BAM! - I'm burnt out and sick.
I'm sorry to all of you out there who believe that pastors are to be your model leaders in self care. I can certainly teach you how to do a myriad of self care things and how to deepen your spiritual reserves so you can call on them in crisis and so on. Apply these to myself? Well, yeah, a bit harder, especially when the shit hits the fan.
But, tomorrow will be my first day back in the office since last Wednesday afternoon. After taking some time to breathe, to recharge, to simply pause and take sabbath, I'm excited about work tomorrow. Finally. So for the you out there who is nodding along to this point, go sharpen your damn saw. (And let me know if you need someone to grab a pedicure or a drink with, of course.)
Too many of us have a similar cycle. I usually hit an emotional wall before a physical one. Pastors are people too, with the same struggles as everyone else! Much love darling!
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